you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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