She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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