When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
