please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
