I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
