I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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