The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
