She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
