We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
