im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
