Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
