1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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