Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My hand turned me down
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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