k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
