Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
