It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
