can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
