everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
