we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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