final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize