Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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