A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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