How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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