I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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