I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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