You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
