I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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