I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize