i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
