I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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