Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize