Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize