It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
