I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
