apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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