Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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