I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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