Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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