so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
