the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
