I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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