i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
