some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
