i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
