I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
