I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
