I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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