Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
