I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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