I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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