I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
