Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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