That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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