I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
