If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
