All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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