I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
