The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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