no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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