my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize